LMAO

Hell explained by a chemistry student
A professor asked "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?"
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'



The student got an A.
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little Billy came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

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Little Johnny's parents are at home on a Sunday afternoon. They have a function to go to, and the babysitter is supposed to arrive soon. Both of them are extremely horny, and want to have a quickie. But Johnny is around, so the father decides to get creative.

Father: "Johnny, I want you to do something for me. I need you to stand out on the balcony, and keep an eye on everything that's happening."

Johnny: "Okay, pop!"

The parents sneak into the bedroom, rip off each others clothes, and start doing the dirty.

Johnny: "Mrs. Enkelschnitz just let her dog poop on the neighbour's lawn and didn't pick it up, dad!!!"

Father: (panting) "That's great Johnny!"

Johnny: "Oh, and Mr. Smith, the store owner, he just parked his car beside a fire hydrant!"

Mother: "Keep up the good work Johnny, what else do you see?"

Johnny: "The Johnsons from across the street are having sex"

Mother and Father: "WHAT!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!? How do you know THAT???"

Johnny: "Because their kid is out on the balcony too."



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An engineer, of the BMW Corporation died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told him, "Since you've been such a good man and your motor vehicles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven". The Engineer thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St.Peter took him to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. He then asked God,

"Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said the engineer, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.

4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust. And finally,

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God," hold on."God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to the engineer, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."



Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, “My son is a home builder and he’s so successful that he gave a friend a new home – for free.”

The second man said, “My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He’’s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs.”

The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, “My son is a stock broker and he’s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio.”

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, “We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?” The fourth man replied, “Well, my son is gay. I’m not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio.”




A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is
also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm
sorry, Sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a
dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from
there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty pile and
picks up a greasy fork. he returns to the blind man's table and hands
it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a
deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the
kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her
what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly
brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm
sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The
owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great,
I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli." Once again walking
away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around
with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in
he's going to test him.The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him
coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take
it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork
back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and
waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already
have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose,
takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey, I didn't know that Mary worked
here?"